How to Own a Man and Put Him on a Pedestal


A few simple steps to using your man for your own whims. Find out how to latch him on your arm for whenever your libido desires. A parody article switching the male gaze into the eyes of a woman. If roles were reversed, would men want to be treated like a woman, given certain factors staying the same? Keep reading to find out. 

You’re tired of being just a girl. You need a man to entertain you. You go to a run-down bar because that’s where the man-kind hang out. Your expectations for the night are low. But, that’s what you’re here for. When you charge in, you’ll smell the fear in them; You are a woman after all. Just be gentle and they’ll open their wings for you. Men squawk at each other and shake their

What a special family photo for the scrapbook

tail feathers. Finally after you’ve exhausted one enough, he’ll pass out.  Then you can seduce him and see his peacock in the parking lot.

While he’s alone introduce yourself.  You don’t want the poor man to be all alone do you? Someone might take advantage of him. That’s where you come in. While he’s distracted, sit in the chair next to him. When he turns around, you’ll act surprised to see him. Here is the part where you say hello. It’s very easy,  just wave your hand, but not too fast, you don’t want to scare him, remember he’s only a man. If that doesn’t work just put a bag over his head and drag him home.

With the music booming, you’re barely required to talk to him. That means more for your eyes to explore. Watch for when his mouth moves. Mirror his emotions. Nod your head and smile every so often so he thinks you’re listening. Watch for when he’s finishing his drink. Persuade him that drinking is beneficial for his well being. Keep sneaking him drinks when he’s not looking. He’ll be taken aback that he hasn’t finished a drink the whole night. Men aren’t that smart anyways. Once the alcohol hits him, he’ll be too smashed to even care. Then effortlessly and without choice will go home with you.

Since you’re the loser that drugs men into bed; You’ve reached your goal. Now, psycho, you turn on music to entrance him. He’ll wake up the next day with you gone in your own home. Apparently, you’re a busy woman, who would rather play it cool then risk a stranger staying in your home. Plus, he won’t call again, unless it’s for a booty call.

He keeps calling you, because you’ve got a nice booty, and you keep not answering. You probably should indulge him and keep dating. Because you have no empathy enough to play with relationships and other people’s emotions. If you wanted the prize for The Woman of the 21st Century, you’ve got it. You’ve got a mindless man on your arm following your every order. Now you can sit back, take his beers and put your feet up. Now, you’re a woman.

It’s been 3 years and you haven’t met the family yet. You don’t like family. It doesn’t match the color of your jeans. But, if you pretend to like his parents, your future’s set. Remember, they may pay for your wedding one day. You decide that you like this guy…sometimes. Plus, his parents make pretty good food. So maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

Now he wants you to carry the child. I have to push an alien out of my vagina? Have you ever heard of adoption? That way I don’t have to break the walls of my organs because you couldn’t hold it past 30 seconds.

Well, too late. Now you’ve got a kid; you’re tied to him forever. You suppose you should get married. His parents spent all the wedding money on a safari to Africa? First of all, rude. Second of all, Africa? You spend thousands to sweat buckets while you watch an elephant shit? Thanks, I’ll stick to the Discovery Channel. You go to the old church down the road and get hitched. The problem is, I’m an Atheist. If I’m wrong, send a lightning bolt to send me to hell right this second. Well, nothing happened, so I guess I’ll be alright.

The pastor says repeat after me. “From this day forward, till death do us part”. Is this how I die? On my wedding night? He continues, “And if she lays with another man, you may stone her to death”. No, Jesus, please! And just like that a lightning bolt shoots down upon the church, killing every soul in sight.

It is never okay to use another person while they’re drunk, unless you’ve previously discussed it. Most of these social restrictions we put upon gender do not apply to either side and are usually confused in translation. Also, it’s not very helpful to the view of either gender to act “like a man”. This usually means aggression, laziness and lots and lots of no-strings-attached-sex. That in itself is a stereotype of what a man is “supposed to be”.  None of those things bring you growth in your life, no matter what gender you are. But, if that’s what you want, ain’t no one stopping’ you. Just when you meet that special someone, if you are this irresponsible stereotype, for God’s sake, please don’t procreate. Or you could get death by lightning bolt.

@Caeli McKamey


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